Whiskey Girl

 soon to be friends only.
i jsut want to know whos reading it.
just send a request and a comment. =)

this is pointless but i am bored...

i miss ty and erik,
and i miss britt
and i just hate missing everyone.
i feel like shit,
and like i'm a total fuck up.
i always always always hurt the people who mean the most to me.

You know someone is a true friend when you are about to break down & cry,
and they say the stupidest, most random thing just to see you smile.

i read this on quotewhore a few days ago and it made me think of erik, he always made me laugh when i was just about to break down and cry, fuck i miss that boy. more than words can say, and yet not as much as i miss ty.

i just want to get out of this town.
and i want to be with them.
is that too much to ask??

She maybe right, to some extent but the thing is...last year i only lost ty...and that was hard enough. whats killing me now is i finally realized excatly how much i have lost since this time last year...see it's like this time last year, my life was perfect. I had a best friend, a crush, and a bunch of amazing friends who i could count on for anything. I got so much closer to so many people that in the end became basically my world. My life was as close to perfect as i could get it. I went out every weekend, and even if we were partying it up or just hanging out in someones basement doing nothing it was always amazing. I was happy, and it was like we had it all. Maybe things we're a little rough with britt but they weren't even that bad, we always fixed things and she was always there when i needed her and i was there for her. life made sense then. But like i said that was last december, and then january came and i had such high hopes for the new year, but the new year seemed to have other plans for me. The end of january and you have me broken hearted sitting infront of my computer screen talking to ty and drowning any feeling i had in a bottle of whiskey, and from that came the first akwardness of losing maaike and blaire and steph and all the girls because...if maaike was mad at me so was everyone else, except britt but thats jsut because she was way to wrapped up in jeremy to notice. So erik picked me up and kept me going and eventually me and maaike became fine again, and me and the girls were okay and life kinda went back to normal. Jump to march, me and britt get in the biggest fight we have ever got into, i sit on my bed, laptop on my lap, talking to jenn and erik and ty and on msn...trying make ty believe me when i say things will be okay, trying to make erik understand why i cant just walk away from britt and jer and dustin and those people who treated me like shit, and trying to figure out why bad things happen to good people while i attempt to drown any feelings i have in a twevle pack of molson while blaire and erik sit me down and tell me i need to stand up to britt and that i deserve to be treated better then that. and then jump to april...this is where it all heads south...i'm happy, well fairly happy anyways until ty sends me and text and tells me he hates life and doesn't see the point anymore i spend two nights telling him i love him and it will all be okay, but my parents refuse to let me go see him and i don't know how to not worry about him, so i go to brittany and jeremys birthday party and get so drunk i can't see straight and everything is good until britt runs off to have a heart to heart with erin who hated her until she started dating jer and made her life misserable and i get scared that i'm losing my best friend and so i found someone who would get rid of that feeling of complete and udder loneliness....it just so happened he was britts ex...her first love, the one guy she would never get over, the one she was still in love with. And right about there is where everything falls apart. Me and britt, me and jer, me and dustin, me and graeme...i lost the people i considered family. the people who had always been there. i know i messed up, if anyone will tell you that it's me. but then britt let a little secret slip and more things fell apart, and then ty needed me...and apparently me going to pick him up and not taking maaike with, who he wants nothing to do with and i'm left with only jenn and erik to hold me together...and let me tell you that isn't an easy job. That brings us up too june, and i get jumped by becca and chantel and i fight the urge to just runaway and never come back...and i search for a way to get out of here...and i find it. End of june and i'm packed and gone, three hours away. gone. finally. gone for the whole summer...


and then i break my pelvis, end up back in peterborugh and more misserable than ever. everything seems like its gone to shit, erik logs on and tells me he's moving back to collingwood in three days and he doens't think he's going to have time to come say goodbye. jenn and britt become friends again...jenn's still there but not the same way she was before i went away. certin things about her piss me off, and as much as i love her she's not one of those people who you can just call at 4am and tell them that your life sucks over something stupid and you just need a friend. i lost everyone this year. it seems like every person who really matters and who would really be there for me if i needed them lives atleast two hours away and i don't know how to deal with that anymore, and i need out of this town, and my school.


i was simply sitting in math class on friday and i looked around the room and it finally occured to me how much has changed and how much i have lost. I drive around this town and everywhere i go there is some sort of memory that kills me. Weither its of me and ty, or me and erik or me and britt or me and anyone...all the memories drive me insane because i just know nothing is ever gonna be the same again...things are never gonna be like that, and i can't repair the bridges i've burned and i can't go back and fix all my mistakes...and that hurts. and really i just don't know how to sit at a red light and not break into tears anymore...

dear you

this pisses me off so much. i always think the next time i see you its going to be different. i always tell myself this time i'm really gonna tell you everything i alway want to say, but then the next time rolls around and i don't say anything, i make small talk...and i hate it. there are so many things i want to tell you. like i love you, in some mess of a way...and i don't understand it so i sure as hell don't expect you too. i want to tell you ill always be there for you no matter where we end up, and i want to tell you that i would do anything in my power to make you happy, i would drop anything just to spend two minutes with you because i miss having you around so much, and you are my best friend. you're the one thing that i know for sure will be there if my life ever came crashing down, and i hope you think the same of me. i want to ask you somethings too like i want to know why you do some of the things you do, you have to know their just gonna end up fucking you over in the end. and i want to know if you ever wonder what would have happened if you just stayed, i wonder if you would have stayed if i'd just told you that i liked you back then? i wonder if you ever actually think about me, or if i only cross you're mind when i send you a text or call you, or you come into town to see you're family. i wonder why you told maaike, and part of me really thinks you did just want to throw it in her face...but even if you did, i don't care...i just want to know...it's not like i really care what all those bitches think, they need to move on with their lives. i want to ask you if you still sometimes think why couldnt we give that a try? i want to know if you see me in your future...i don't care how you see me there, just as long as you see me there.  i want to know if you really actually care and if anything ever just reminds you of me, like a certin song...or hitchhikers, or hot and ready pizzas...or junior chickens from mcdonalds. i want to tell you that all those things make me think of you, and driving around this town drives me crazy, and on certin nights can make me cry. i want to know if certin songs ever make you think of me...i think mostly i just want to know if you care about me as much as i care about you? i wonder if i cross your mind atleast once a day...and i wonder if you think about calling me but then stop because you don't want to get in the way because you don't think i care about you as much as you care about me. i want to know if you have the same insecurities as me...most of all i just want to know that we'll be okay.

you can call anytime.
love always,
-the girl you left behind.



[cross posted to dearyou]

just a few things....

1. i love bystorm.
2. i hate this town, and being at home sucks.
3. i don't even care about the drinking and the partying and all that, as long as the people i'm with are kickass.
4. i miss those boys way more than i should.
5. he always makes things better.
6. what is up with crazy ex girlfriends?!
7. i wish i knew what i wanted "us" to be...
8. home is where your heart is, but my heart isn't at my home.
9. what is with the boys in my life being so worried about me? i'm big girl...i can take care of myself.
10. i cannot wait for next weekend.

i love those nights, those nights where everything ends up just seeming perfect...no matter what happens. you know those nights where you can be doing absolutely nothing, just driving around in circles or in a room full of people you don't even know but you end up having the time of your life. that was saturday night. oh my god. it was amazing...i havent felt that infinate in soo long. the funny thing is all it took was going back to the people that were there all along to be happy. and the best part of the night wasnt the party itself, it was the running through backyards with my best friends, avoiding the cops, speeding off in jenns car and driving around in circles, sprinting into pizza hut to only use the bathroom and then sprinting out while the people working there looked at us like we were crazy, which really we were...and then the phone call....


that night would have been awesome even if he hadnt called me, but him calling made it soo much better. not that we had some deep meaningful talk or anything...in fact i'm a little iffy on what we even talked about...i remember a story about a stripper, attempting to pick up his friend tj, laughing, and the i miss yous, and "i'm just calling to say hi"  "hi." haha i love that boy to death. i just wish he wasnt two hours away...bahhh how am i supposed to make it work when he's that far away?? i don't know if thats what i want, to be honest the only i thing i know when it comes to him, is i love him and i would drop anything to be there for him. but i have no idea what i want 'us' to be...i just know i miss him more then i've ever missed anything or anyone in my life, and probally more than i will miss anything or anyone ever again.


and i yes i miss erik...i miss him sooo much, but it doesnt even come close to how much i miss ty...which is funny in a way because most people who looked at my life would have said that i should miss erik more...but really, i fell in love with ty...and as much as i love erik as a best friend, or a brother...he isnt ty....but still, i want next year to get here and i want a job at blue...and i want to move two hours away from this town that always seems to bring me down, i want to be with the two people who never fail to make me smile, and never fail to pick me up when im down...the two people who have never judged me based on any stupid mistake i ever gave, and the two people who have told me since day one that i deserve better. besides...they need me too....who else are they gonna lean on? i'm it...i'm their family.


funny isnt it? my two best friends come from two of the most dysfunctional families i've ever met, and yet i have probally the closest thing to that tv family thats ever happened...i almost never fight with my parents or my brother...my parents have been married for over 25 years and they almost never fight...they both work but we still have family dinners every sunday....i guess ty and erik loved that about me, and they kinda became part of my family...my parents took them in too, and i dont know...as much as i love my family...its like i know theyll be okay without me...where as i dont think those boys will be....

i do have to say, i don't so much mind losing sleep when its him who calls me at midnight just to tell me that he's thinking about me and that he missed me...and to talk to me about the good times and the not so good times. and i told him i worry about him, and i just need to know that he's okay. i didn't tell him half the things i want to though, i just mostly listened to him talk and answered all his questions about my day and my weekend and my plans...i didn't tell him that i love him, or that i'm seriously going to come live with him, or that nothing has been the same since he left. i just told him the good things, and i told him i missed him, and i told him i worry about him when he told me he hates his life. he told me to call him after six, cause that when he gets off work....so i suppose i will do that next week...maybe i'll send him a text tonight and tell him he should come randomly show up on my front poarch tomorrow...cause that would be nice. frig. i just miss that boy so much, and no matter what i'm always gonna worry about him.

i'm in for a really hectic week this week...i somehow went from having no horse to ride to having seven horses to ride in less then a week!! so i have seven horses, assignments in every class and a test in the two classes i happen to be failing. and im not at school on wednesday or friday and i'm leaving friday morning to go to bystorm for the weekend!! plus i have a vet appointment on monday for benny that will take up atleast two hours and while im out there i should i ride a couple of horses, and then i have homework...so i'm doubting ill be post too much next week...i'll do my best though. hope everyone has a good week/weekend. i'll try to keep up as best i can next week...

i am impatient. i drink too much to often. i hang on to the people who i care about. i believe that family is about love, not blood...but i still love my blood family. i am a simple girl. i enojy dancing on tables and driving way to fast. my life falls apart sometimes and i need to know that people are gonna be there for me. i am far to attached to my cell phone and i always have it with me. i have a tendacy to drunk dial and drunk text people, but i'm always to mangled to make anysense. i have a hard time letting go of things that mean the world to me, but i am all about one night stands and no stings attached. i am the most indecisive person in the world, and i never seem to be able to figure out what i want. i laugh at the most random things, and i love being compeletly stupid in public with my best friends. i have an addiction to caffine, and killer heels. i don't regret things i've done, only things i didn't do. i love roadtrips, and getting lost is always the best part. when life gets hard i don't work through my problems, i tend to just dance in my underwear alone in my room with a bottle of wisers until they go away. apparently i'm pretty good at the advice thing, and i love to help people...even though most of the time i cant take my own advice most of the time. i love to have fun, and that almost always gets me into trouble. i'm not very good at saying no to anything, and i live life in the fast lane and i have no intention of ever slowing down. i relate my life to lyrics and quotes and when i don't know what to say i'm pretty good at find something that fits perfectly. my friends, well they really arn't the greatest...but their are a few of them i would die for. i love my boys. they keep me going and are a hundered times better then any of the girlfriends i have ever had. i just wish they hadn't had to leave. i love drunk phone calls at 1am that wake me up and i love leaving random messages on peoples answering machines. i am a total mess and so is my room. i am ready to move on and get outta this town. i need to fail and make mistakes and stand on my own two feet....i'm just a girl, who's trying to find her place in this world...


 

i believe that people deserve second chances. i believe in forgive and forget. i believe everyone should dance on a table atleast once in their lives. i believe in life in the fast lane and never letting go of someone who means the world to you. i believe in following your heart, and doing what you love. i believe the best kind of friends are the ones you can call up at 4 am no matter how stupid your problem is and they won't tell you to shut and go back to sleep, but they will tell you that problem is stupid and that it could be worse. i believe in drinking till you drop and lazy sunday nights just watching movies. i believe in running away from you're problems, atleast to figure out how to deal with them..and i believe you should stand up for what you believe in. i believe in girls nights at taylors, drinking in the hottub under the stars, and roadtrips to the shawa with my best friends. i believe in happy endings and old ripped jeans. i believe that campfire and smores will make everything okay, and that feild parties are a part of growing up. i believe in letting go of the past, and accepting who you are. i believe in trackies, and twoonie tusedays. i believe that everything will work out in the end, and i believe in saying what you mean. i believe that people come into your life for a reason, and i believe that the people who really matter will always be there. i believe in falling hopelessly in love, and i believe in soul mates...just not the romantic kind. i believe that boys and girls can be just friends, but at one point they will each fall for each other..and i believe that doesnt mean things will change or that they should be together...i just believe thats what happens. i believe that missing someone is the worst feeling in the world and i believe that watching the sun come up is one of the most amazing things in the world. i believe in doing the things that scare the shit outta you and always partying in killer heels. i believe in having no regrets for the things you did, only for things you didnt do. i believe that the sun will come up tomorrow and that this world will keep spinning no matter what has happened. i believe that bad things have to happen so that we can appreciate the simple things in life, and realize how amazing they are. i believe in ice cream wars, and cupcake battles in my basement. i believe in picking up hitchhikers, and driving around in circles with friends. i believe in beer, chicken wings and football games with the boys, and i believe in watching hockey games, but only if there are drinking games to play while we watch. i believe that everyones jsut doing the best they can to get by. i believe in dancing in my underwear, and sleeping naked on hot summer nights. i believe that family is matter of love, and not blood...and in the end you'll find out who your friends really are...but most of all i believe that love really does conquor all and that everything really does work out in the end.....

thats what i believe in....

note to self :: vodka and water on a sunday night is not a good idea even if it seems like it at the time.



ugh. my headd. 

whenever my uncle leaves his dog at my place, he cries and cries and cries and curls up beside me my chair and cries for atleast an hour. and then when he hears my uncles truck rumble into my laneway he freaks out and his little tail wags until it looks like its going to fall off and he whimpers and whines until her comes through the door and then he jumps up and down and runs in circles and looks like a complete fool. but heres the thing i realized today...i'm excatly like that dog when he comes.

its a sad realization. think about it. i'm not better then a dog when it comes to him. i sit in my room either crying or on the verge of tears when he leaves, and i sit waiting at the door for him. i don't really understand when he leaves, just like dodger doesnt understand when uncle greg leaves. it's like...i dont know if i can even explain it....yah dodger gets excited for other people but when uncle greg is here its all about him...its as if no one else even exists. thats how i am with ty. when he's here i just dont care. nothing else matter. just that he is here. here with me. i'm in one of those moods tonight...the i miss him so much i don't no what to do with myself moods. blahhh. 

sometimes i wish i'd never met him, because then i wouldnt have to go to sleep at night knowing that someone like him exists...but then its like...i love the way i feel when i'm with him, and i wouldnt trade that feeling for anything. i just miss him. and i hope to god he misses me. it's because of these i miss him so much nights that i end up drunk randomly on a sunday night...

&& she’s curled up in that old brown chair

a bottle of vodka and the dog

she wonder’s where he is tonight

and if she’s even on his mind…

 

its funny really, that one conversation with you can alter my mood for days and days. it's like i'll be going along with my life, missing you life crazy, but getting by...and then you're name will pop up on my msn list, and then a little bar at the bottom of my screen starts blipping orange and my heart skips a beat. and there it is. the feeling of not being able to the breath, the feeling of tears pushing at the back of my eyes, the feeling of needing to run to you because i just don't know how to be me without you. you make me smile when i'm hating everything, you make me love myself even when i've done the worst thing in the world...you're always there to make me smile. and i just miss you so god damn much. it's crazy, the effect you've had on my life...and i've only known you a year...a year. three hundred and sixty five days...and my world has been completly flipped upside down. i've done alot of things i regret in the past year, but the thing i regreat most of all...is not having the nerve to ask you to stay...

it makes everything okay. i hope someday we can get this messed up thing right....

i was sitting in kenisiology class today listening to my teacher talk about the heart, and how as you get older it gets stressed because its been beating for all those years. do you know how many times the average heart beats in a year? 31,536,000 times. now think of that over the course of a life time. thats alot of beats. when you think about it its hard to believe that little muscle thats the size of your fist can keep on pumping for a hundred years isnt it? and thats just an average person, thats not an athlete, or a smoker, or anyone special. thats just an average number some scientist decided on. see i thought that was pretty impressive, but then i got thinking...what about the people with broken hearts? what about those people who's hearts hurt so much they cant even get out of bed in the morning? it's like when i sit in that class it makes it seem like your heart is just a muscle, and its only job is to pump blood to your body. and sure thats a big job...but if thats all it does, and if it keeps on beating for all those hundred years without stopping...then why do we say that we have a broken heart? really a broken heart would be when you have a heart attack, or an arthymia. not when someone walks out of your life and you feel this big gaping hole. thats not really a broken heart...but it is definatly something...i'm just not sure what....

a quotes entryy. i miss him too much to think.

All she knows are highways & broken hearts.
Late nights & old guitars.
Wondering where you are, you're so far away.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a lonely world out there when you don’t have someone to share it with. But what’s even lonelier is when there is someone out there but you are far away from him. It’s so hard – you want to give your whole heart to this person, and for the first time in a long time, you’ve found someone you trust with your whole heart. Someone asked me “how can I be in love with him and why do I love him?” And here’s my answer to that question: I love him for who he is. I love him for how he makes me feel. How I can have the absolute worst day but then I talk to him and I instantly feel better. How I can be in a room filled with guys, but still he’s the only one I’m thinking about in my mind and in my heart. If he has a bad day, you want to do anything and everything in your power to make him feel better. If he’s hurting and in pain, your hurting and in pain because it hurts you to see him like that. You go to bed at night and dream of him and dream of being with him someday. When you wake up, your day doesn’t feel quite right until you’ve talked to him. It’s like how some people can’t function without their morning cup of coffee, well for you; your morning  isn’t “functional” until you’ve talked to him. It’s how he can be a fan of your rival’s team and you still love him. How he uses his ‘Yankee Hater’ icon but somehow it doesn’t bother you as much because it’s him. So
he’s a Red Sox fan that just goes to show you he isn’t perfect but he’s pretty damn close. How your day doesn’t feel complete if you haven’t talked to him. How you can talk for hours and hours upon end and you're still having the best time and the only thing you can imagine that would be better would be being in his arms. He’s your favorite person to talk to.  How you’re there for each other through not only the good times but also the bad. And when you close you eyes and dream of a place you want to be, you don’t care where you are as long as he’s with you. If you were able to make a map you would put Maine & South Carolina next to each other. You know you love him because even though your not together, you know who’s the only one in your heart.

<3

i miss you both so much. more then you will ever know.

i'm scared. lately thats what i'm feeling. scared. i'm scared of the future, i'm scared of where i'm going to be in a couple years, i'm scared of failing, of letting people down, or not living up to my potential, i'm scared of moving on even though i want to so badly, i'm scared of  leaving  everyone behind, i'm scared of being forgotten...but mostly i'm scared of losing those people who mean the most to me.  it's like i'm trying to plan my future for what i want, but i'm also trying to plan it so that i can be closer to the people who i have lost in the last year or so. i want to go to the toronto area i suppose. it has bystorm, and ty and erik, and its a different place with different people. but it scares me. i'm fighting with this inner struggle...jump into the unknown or stick with whats safe. but safe scares me too. i'm just scared of the future...i don't want to lose anything or anyone i love. no matter where i end up.

mostly i'm scared of losing him. i'm scared of him forgetting me, and of us losing touch because no one really stays friends forever, and i dont know how to deal with being without him. i dont know how to not have him in my life, and i dont remember my life before him..

i've realised somethings lately...by spending more time with people again, well the people i go to school with..and by being more quite and listening to everything. i seem to be absorbing everything more and more lately then actually taking part...but in doing that i've noticed i'm not the only one who feels the way i do. everyone is fed up with here and the drama and everyone is sick of each other and ready to move on. we used to be the kids everyone wanted to be. the hot clothes, crazy parties, gossip, lies, and scandle. we were the people everyone wanted, and everyone wanted to be. we had it all, the looks, the money, the life. we ruled the school. hands down. from the time we stepped off the school buses that first day of grade nine. we just took over. we started trends, we dated older boys, we set the bar for the parties, we had more scandles then any tv show hollywood writers could create, love triangles, cheating, broken hearts. it was all so...so glamorous. we walked the halls like no one could touch us, and in all honesty no one really could. there was always someone to pass a note to, a party to get ready for, another story to tell, someone to talk about...we owned everything and everyone in that school. until...until we lost it.

your supposed to rule your school in grade twelve, your last year there. well it seems like this year we lose whatever sparkle and glamour we had had over all those years. maybe we just used it up to fast, i dont know all i know is that we arnt who we used to be...none of us walk the walk or talk the talk anymore. maybe there was just too much last year. maybe it really did destroy us...i guess we all thought we would just leave for the summer, come back and everything would just go back to how it was...but i think we all fell from grace...and now we arnt sure what to do anymore...