Whiskey Girl

x you'll find out who your friends are...

2008-07-04T15:50:51Z

why is my life so crazy? haha soo much has happened since my last post. holy shittt.

so monday night, im laying bed watching sex and the city reruns and thinking i should go to sleep when my phone rings and im figuring its just like jenn or bystorm or something but when i pick up the phone its erik. and hes just like "do you want to do me the biggest favor you will ever do anyone? can you pick me and jessie up in marmara? we just got pulled over the cops are taking the truck.." i didnt have to think twice. i grabbed my keys and i was there. its funny how there are some people you would do anything for. so i get there and im like ok so why did you get a ticket? and hes like "its not even really our fault. we had a 10 day permit on the truck because it doesnt have plates yet, and it experied yesterday. but we called the people in ottawa and they said that if we came in this morning with the paper work they would give us another 10 day permit. so we went in, waited 5 hours and then finally got up to the desk and they were just like no" so anyways the tow truck shows up and eriks like you take visa right? and the driver is like nope. only cash. and erik and jessie are both like you have to fucking be kidding. we have no cash, only the visa. and the cop is like "look if you cant pay this tow, i have to take you to jail." so i pull out my phone and im like "erik...call my dad" i thought he was gonna cry he just looked at me and was like "rach, i am not asking your dad for money. im not asking you guys for anymore. your already doing me a huge favor." and i was jsut like "erik, what other choice do you have?" so he called and i knew dad wouldnt say no. so thats fine, mom and dad go and get cash and we drive back home with the towtruck following us. so anyways my parents are pretty sweet and understand that sometimes shit happens. and so they laugh it off with the boys and the three of us go crack open a two-four and start getting drunk. it was awesome. i forgot how much i missed just being one of the guys, i forgot how much i missed beging who i used to be, and i really forgot how much i loved just hanging out in my basement with erik doing absolutely nothing. We keep talking about random shit and i'd say something and jessie would just be like "fuck erik, why have we never partied with this girl before? she is soo coming on our next roadtrip" and eriks like "yah and shed come to the rippers and shit with us" and jessie was just like "i think i love you" haha it was soo funny. and then jessie was talking about how he'd cheated on his girlfriend or hooked up with his ex's friend or something and he was like thats bad blah blah blah and i was just like meh atta boy, and he was like holy fuck. and im sitting on the lazy boy with erik eating fruit loops and he like pulls me into a half hug (im like sitting on the arm of the chair wtih my legs over his) and is like really jessie this girl is like my best friend, do you really think she would care about shit like that? and im just like "alcohol and booty callss ehhh" and then we all cheers. we just sat around being stupid and chilling out. it was awesome. so i went up to bed around 2am and erik sends me a text "wanna get laid?" and im just like "and some point while your here, but right now i wanna sleep lol" so whatever i thought i had to worry about with me and erik being friends and sleeping together is gone. i love that boy.

so the next day, i attempted to cook...bacon. haha so it was a little burnt and i made a huge mess and erik made fun of me lol. we hooked up the xbox and played super mario world, and bust a move (which are both old school nintendo games) and sat in my basement playing them all day. i went and rode my beast and showered and then we all went out to get ice cream and drive around peterborough. it was fun, even though my car sounded like it was gonna blow up. and so that was tuseday, which is cheap night at the movies and it was also canada day, so it was the only thing open. so erik took us to the movies on his visa and we saw love guru which was hilariouss! and then we went and watched the fireworks and while were there jessies ex calls eriks phone and is like can i talk to him and eriks like uhh hes busy..no hes not fucking some girl..hes uh..in the shower. meanwhile there are kids running around and shit and then eriks finally like but i gotta go the fireworks are starting. it was soo funny. the fireworks kinda sucked but whatever. so we get home and go drink some more beer and hang out in my basement. and jessies ex girlfriend calls again and so after theyd been on the phone for like 15 minutes me and erik went down and i got up besdie the phone and was like "get off the phone and back in my bed...or you know we could always get back in my shower" i dont think she liked that very much. so he finally got off the phone and got hooked on the xbox trying to beat eriks score. and so me and erik are sitting in the other room watching a youtube video and we start hooking up. but it didnt get very far cause my mom was like "when are you coming upstairs" so that kinda pissed me off (and him im sure) and so whatever, im sure there will be other times haha. so the next morning i went to work and they went and got their permit. and so they were very happy. so they packed up and headed home. and now the house is all quite again haha.

and then brad (the boy i met) has been trying to hang out with me all week, and he wants to like date me and i dont know. i have no idea what i want. i dont really know him so i dont know. and then like..i am soo not that girl. i like to just hook-up and have fun and hangout. and not worry about feeling bad if i dont want to hangout or feeling bad if i go up to wassaga to stay with erik...or if i fool around with erik, or one of his friends...or jsut anyone. and i mean if im leaving in two months...then why would i want to get attached and then have to leave? see my delimma? i am not girlfriend material. i dont do feelings, or relationships, or the whole love thing. and i dont really know what to do about him....

oh and i think jenn is pissed at me for helping erik. but it kinda makes me think like really wouldnt you do that for your best friend? and i think about it and she wouldnt. not a chance. but she owes me money so we need to be friends until i get paid. im so cranky with people here again. its just like no one gets the whole do anything to help a friend thing. and it pisses me off. oh well. only two months. hurrah!

x heres to the future, cause im so over the past...

2008-06-29T23:18:01Z

ahh big update time.

schools over. i am done done done! it feels great. im hardcore appartment hunting for a place in b.c. now. work is going...good i guess. i love the people i work with, and the more hours are good. money is the best part though. summer is off to an awesome start, me and bmar are getting tight. and me and jenn are back to normal. life is good. its full of parties and too much alcohol and bonfires and bocce ball.

so anyways. two fridays ago, blaire had a party. i drank way too much. like half a 40 of tequila and 12 beer. needless to say i was in rough shape. well me and brittany started talking. about the past and well pretty much everything, and she told me that she never hated me, just what i did. and that its in the past, highschool is over, we all need to get over it and move on. she told me to learn from it, and that she thought i had and then she told me to forgive myself and move on. and then me and maaike basically had the same talk, but about like ty and shit. and how i never would have done that to her and that we werent dating....and they both just told me to forgive myself and move on. not that i really fully remember that. i cried. which doesnt make sense but it made me feel better. i think i finally just dealt with everything that has happened and finally just accepted i cant change it, and that i cant fix it but i can move forward and i think i just needed to cry. so i did. and then jer came and talked to me for a while, and was like "i should have atleast been there for you. theres no reason why i shouldnt have" and just basically said hes sorry for not talking to me and all that. which was good. i woke up sunday morning and felt so much better about life and the past and all that. saturday morning however was not good at all. i was still drunk till 8 that night and i had to work a wedding and it just was not good. but sunday. i felt so at peace. and i felt good. which i havent in a really long time. i finally forgave myself. and then i picked up my phone and i deleted tys number, and i deleted him off msn, and i deleted him off facebook. and i havent looked back. well ok maybe a little but not really. it feels so good. i still want to go start over, dont get me wrong. but im ok with everything here now, which really is a much better way to leave things. i was supposed to go to bystorm this weekend but jade called me friday mornng and was like im not sure you should come, mrs. rouque died this morning. i feel so bad for garry. i know she was old but still it was his mother. so i said id reschudual and id send a card and jade should tell him that i am sorry for his loss. it made me really sad.

SO friday we went out to bmars and pre-drank before dereks. it was a good time. i was happy, upbeat, rockin it. i even caught a fucking glow bug in my hand!! it was soo cool. i got see people i havent seen since school let you and that was all good. and then i walked by joe and he was like "i wanna see rachel drunk tonight." and im like "joe i am trashed" and hes like "nah you know...drunk rachel who drinks and takes her clothes off" i was so mad. i almost bitch slapped him right there. but instead i said fuck you and walked away. its not like it made me sad or anything it was like...its been a year, highschool is over, grow up and get the fuck over it. people make mistakes, and people change. i did both. it just made me so mad. he had no right. so anyways. i went back to bmars and we passed out talking and eating triscits. it was awesome and then apparently erik called me at 2:30am but i slept threw the phone call. so i text him in the morning asking what he wanted and he was just drunk and in town and wanted to see me/sleep on my couch. we caught up a bit and then said we'd try to meet up sometime soon. so that made me happy.

last thing to say...i met a boy last night...well remet a boy. thats all im saying on that matter though. oh other then nothing happened and he still managed to not let me think of ty.... hmmm...

drinkinmelonely @ 2008-06-27T11:06:00

2008-06-27T15:07:05Z

r.i.p. mrs. rouque.

you will be missed <3

update later.

x don't think i don't think about it...

2008-06-20T01:11:02Z

dear you

can we just go back? back to before you knew all the horrible things about me. back before you knew what i had done. back to when we were close, and it didn't matter if you had a girlfriend. back to the visits and the late night calls and the long msn conversations about nothing and everything all at once. back to you and me. i miss that. and im sorry i've been a sketch lately, and i'm sorry that i've been a drunk idiot who feels the need to say way more then she should. i'm sorry that i feel like i lost you a long time ago. i'm sorry that we arn't like we used to be. i'm sorry i opened my big fat mouth and told you all those things. i'm scared, i'm scared i ruined things. i love the way we were, the easy carefree flirting and the taunting and the being able to talk to you about anything. i miss that. i miss us. i miss my best friend. i keep replaying all the memories and i hate it. i drive down this fucking road sometimes more then four times a day, do you have any idea what that does to my mental health? maybe i would be able to let this all go if i didnt have to drive around and see all of it all the time. its so hard. and part of me wants to just delete you from my life, and pack up and more across the country. but that part needs to see you one more time...and the other part of me, well it wants to go back, to all the good times. back before i'd messed everything up, back to the girl i used to be. i want to go back to late nights playing cards in my basement, and watching hilary duff with my dad. i want to go back to hitch-hikers, hot and ready pizzas, hockey games and racing down back roads. i want to hide from cops and lay next to you under the stars, i want you to save me from another drunken mistake, and tell me how lucky i am to have the life i have. I want to fight over lazy boys and have ice cream wars, and cupcake battles. I want to walk down backroads looking for shack parties in the snow, i want you to randomly show up on my doorstep on a random sunday afternoon. i want to sit in your truck, and have you show me your world. i want to save you from your mess of a family. i want drunk phone calls, and text messages telling me how much i mean to you. i want us back.

and i dont mean anything by that. i dont want to be with you. not really. because your you and im me and i cant even commit to my gym membership. and you of all people should know that. frig. why does this have to be so hard? why can't you just tell me what i mean to you? you are the king of mixed signals and im so tired of trying to read them. i cant keep running in place. i have two months left on this side of the country and then im gone. i need to see you before i leave. i need closure. i need you to ask me to stay...

you can call anytime,
love always,
-the girl you left behind

where would we be if you'd never drove that car away..
and don't think i don't think about it,
don't think i don't have regrets,
don't think it don't get to me
between the work and the hurt and the whiskey,
don't think i don't wonder 'bout
could've been, should've been, all worked out,
yah i know what i felt, and i know what i said,
but don't think i don't think about it...

x ready to run...

2008-06-12T04:40:32Z

wow so i haven't updated in a whilee. things are insane. school is finishing up, and i'm working full time at one job and part time at another, and riding horses, and having a social life and well i'm getting a little burnt out thats for sure. but can i sleep? apparently not. so its 12:30am i have to be up to go do stalls in like 5 hours and i cant sleep. kill me now. tomorrow is gonna suck. stalls, school, work. ughh.

so the plans for whistler are actually coming together. i can't wait to pack up and move to the other side of the country where my secrets will be secrets and no one will no my name or mistakes and i can become whoever i want to be.

i'm seeing ty at the end of the month. i'm almost as scared for that as i am for moving out west. but once i see him i'm coming home to delete him from msn, facebook and my cell phone. and im moving across the country. if he wants me in his life he can really figure it out cause i am gone. gone gone GONE.

i have become obsessed with postsecret...

i'm running away to the other side of the country to try and get over you. even though i'm pretty sure your the love of my life.
ps. i want you to ask me to stay.
pss. even better....follow me.

i miss my long hair, i think the extensions will go back in. baby sean has rocked lately. i heart him. in a best friend thats like family kinda way. i miss bystorm and i really need to go visit them. and erik. poor erik and his broken ankle/foot. i need to take him a copy of nacy drew and whatever that badd hilary duff movie was. that will cheer him up. i miss that boy.

i guess thats all. i hope all is well with you girlies. mucho loveee <3

x and i almost had you, but i guess that doesn't cut it...

2008-06-02T23:11:32Z

aghhh. he has no fucking right. no right at all. fuck thisss.

ty - wanna know why i stopped talking to you?
me- yes.
ty - because of what you did with erik and his buddy
me - you stopped talking to me way before that ty. and why do you care anyways?
ty - no i didnt! and because
me - yes you did ty. i havent see you or barely talked to you since like november when i stopped in after i was at bystorm. and maybe i have my reasons for it.
ty -reasons?
me - maybe i do. its nice of you to ask me.
ty - what are they?
me - you wont understand anyways. you made up your mind about me. but sometimes being with someone you dont care about is better then being alone
ty -what?
me - you wont get it because you havent been here ty. you havent even talked to me you have no idea whats going on with me.
ty - then tell me.
me - k try feeling completely alone. my best friend was ditching me for someone else, nothings been the same since i messed things up with britt and when you feel worthless and someone wants you, you give in cause its easier then being alone. im not proud of it. its a thing i ahte myself for.
ty -why?
me - why what?
ty -are you like this?
me - i dont know. i wish i did ty but i dont. i just do things that i hate myself for. its like i like being self destructive.
me -you know what if you dont want me in your life dont worry about it. ill be gone in two months anyways but i thought after everything you'd understand, or atleast try to.
me - i just...well if this is it then goodbye, ill miss you, i hope life is good to you and im sorry im a fuck up. and i really did love you, just so you know.
ty -love me how?
me - i dont know i just know i did. it clearly doesnt matter now.
ty - ugh
me - what?
ty -i dont know.
me - i have a question. seeing as i have nothing to lose now. if i had told you i liked you before you left would things have been different?
ty - yes!
me - ugh i hate this ty. can you forgive me? i am trying to be better and i havent messed up since then honest. no mistakes.
ty -i just dont see why you did it
me - because when your alone and someone wants you its easier to say yes then say no and be alone.
ty - mhmm
me - i really need a time machine...
me - i hope you feel special. your the only person i have cried over since..well...ever.
ty -why me
me - i just need to know if well be ok or if you want me out of your life. where do we stand ty? i cant keep wondering.
ty - dont want you out
me - because i actually care what you think about me. your one of the few people whos opinions of me matters to me. cause i love you in some mess of a way.
ty - ya.
me - i tell you that and get ya. maybe i should stop talking. whiskey has a way of making me say to much.
him - no.
me - can you make me a promise? can i see you before september when i leave for bc?
ty - bc?
me - yah im moving out west in the fall...to whistler.
ty - oh.

i havent talked to him in over a month, and before that it was like 4 months. i havent seen him since november. he can bite me. he has no right. ughhh.

do you think this means he loves me back? cause i dont, but jenn cate and tay do.. FUCKK.

x i'd settle for a slowdown...

2008-05-25T17:08:41Z

oh my god. life has been insane lately. this is my first time on here in like a week or more. i have caught up with all the reading so that makes me happy. so lets see, lots to update on...FORMAL!! aka senior prom was on friday. it was amazing. simply amazing. i still miss ty, but thats old news, and i miss erik terribly. i wish he had of been here for formal. apparently he's really sick, like he has liver problems and shit. i may have also gotten myself into a bad situation and im not really sure how to get out of...more on that at another time tho...

pictures of prommm <3

just a few =) haha

x her minds made up, but her hearts not so sure...

2008-05-11T02:08:20Z

this has been the week from hell. saturday i was sitting in my car on my way to work and my phone blinks a new text message and i'm figuring its just jenn or cate but i flip open my phone and who is it but ty. like really, what the fuck. its been like five months since i talked to him. all it says is 'hey whats up? i'm in peterborough'. yah so he decides to randomly come to town for a few hours on the one night of the weekend when i work. so i told him i had to work and he had to give me more notice on these things cause im a busy girl. and he was like i miss you, and there goes everything i had been working at...i was finally getting to be okay with him being gone. i mean i didnt like it, but i finally starting to accept that he was gone and not coming back, and then boom there he is again. i spent the whole night at work avoiding everyone who kept asking me what was wrong, because i was pretty much on the verge of tears...but it was a slow night so you can only make up so many things to do and laila finally cornered me and was like 'spill it, whats wrong with you tonight?' and i didnt even know what to say...how do i explain him, and how he makes me feel and how him being here kills me? how do you explain that to someone? so i just told her that someone who i thought was gone from my life decided to randomly show up in it again. i got sent home early cause like i said it was slow and my boss clearly knew something was wrong with me so i call jenn when im outside and i start crying and shes like 'babe i dont want to make your shitty night worse but guess who came into my work?' and of course it was ty. i guess she told him that i was really upset and i really miss him and i really want to see him and that im really hurt. and he just looked at her and was like please jenn, dont tell me that. dont tell me that i hurt her. dont tell me that she misses me. its to hard. ughhh. and i know i'm better off without him, and im still not making a first move, unless i happen to be in orillia for a horseshow..in that case it will be one text and one text only. or maybe one phone call. so that whole thing put me in a funk to kick the week off on and then on sunday i made a bet that i could quit caffine cold turkey, and well for someone who drinks about 6-8 cups of coffee a day that is not good for the system. i went into a huge depression and got really sick and missed more school. and then my parents found my report card and got pissed about my marks and the comments and so far this week we have gotten in two huge fights about the future and how im not going to school next year. i hate it. i have vaild reasons fr not going yet. the main one being im not going to waste tuition when i have no fucking clue what i want to do. and then i havent been able to ride much, im crampy, my boss is a tool and my english teacher hates. oh plus my best friend is having the worst go of life right now. like shes called me balwing everynight this week and i have no idea how to help her. dana's still a coke whore, and my brother is still on the other side of the country.

i now need to go to bed though. after working nine hours today, and then riding three horses i have to get up at six and work a twelve hour shift in which i will serve over 300 people brunch. my life rocks. haha. how is everyone else??

x the world keeps on spinning, no matter how lost you get...

2008-05-10T04:17:43Z

big update tomorrow. this week has sucked so much shitt. ughhh. for now tho i need sleep. i ahve to work wayyy to early.
hope all is well <3

x he's just an old memory...

2008-05-04T03:11:46Z

i thought i was ready to write about today..
but im not ready yet...im not even close to ready.
fuckkk. =(
i havent cried like this since...since he left.
this isnt okay.
today wasnt okay.
i am not okay.

x cause i woke up and went back to bed, it was just one of those days...

2008-04-28T20:52:50Z

woke up this morning and it was pouring rain. the phone woke me up, my shoes were getting dropped off this morning. so that was exciting. i have them now. oh my god they are so gorgouss. i cant wait to go out in them. i decided today was a bed day and i skipped school to lay around and do nothing. i really need to go buy new work pants. im in a really bleh mood. this weekend was alright, i worked alot. friday was fun though, my parents let me have people over and drink at the house for the first time. it was a good time. i miss ty alot, and ive been thinking about him alot lately. its stupid. i need to do homework. i guess i should. im going to update later. with pictures of the shoes and the friday night shindig. hope all is well with youu girlss <3

x the fight for you is all i've ever known...

2008-04-25T04:07:48Z

i just dont get how we went from this too not even talking...can you explain that to me? why is he the king of fucking mixed signals?

Him - i already miss you!
Me - i know. fuck. haha i smell like you lol ugh why did you have to leave? its not fair.
Him - awe oh my god rachel i'm really upset now
Me - Fuck sorry. dont be be upset. ge be big things and make big money. im proud of you. really. and never forget that ill be there there. always.
Him - Rachel i actually really care about you alot and want to see you alot more and want to show how much i care!
Me - fuck i want to see you more to and i care alot about you too.
Him - you've always been there for me and your amazing and i couldnt ask for a better friend. i'm going to start being a better friend i promise!
Me - you are a good friend, your just hard to get a hold of sometimes. the night you called me drunk made me feel so much better. i was misserable then.
Me - are you almost home?
Him - just walked in. all i thought about the whole way home was how much those hugs from ment! it felt so good.
Me - i know fuck this sucks. i love seeing you but you leaving always fucks me up.
Him - i know i feel the same! ugh.
Me - =< i hate this.
Him - me to. why do you think we always text each other when we're drunk?
Me - i don't know. it's easier to say shit?
Him - yah probablly
Me - its always easier to do anything when your drunk cause if you come across as stupid or whatever atleast then you ahve an excuse right?
Him - yea thats very true. and the truth always comes out when your drunk.
Me - yup. there's a reason i get drunk alot. haha i'm much more...me..i guess...
Him - yea but you should be able to say whatever you want when you sober to
Me - but i dont lol besides i enjoy being drunk haha
Me - i just wish you were still here
Him - me too, but still...
Me - ugh we should both definatly be sleeping. well you should. so go to sleep and ill talk to you later. have a good day at work tomorrow.
Him - i wish i was there so badly
Me - me to =<
Him - i hate it here, no one cares
Me - well im sure thats not true but ill always care no matter where i go, and no matter where you go.
Him - it is true
Me - well fuck people, they suck anyways. you still have me...
Him - i ugh.
Me - u ugh eh? that makes no sense, maybe im not fully awake yet but i dont think it does lol
Him - lol
Me - shut up im sorry if i make no sense, im still half asleep and i havent had coffee yet. most people dont get texted back yet lol
Him - oh lol so im special
Me - pretty much =>
Him - lol good
Me - lol ew its cold and i so dont want to get out of bed
Him - awe i'd warm you up
Me - awwee =<

cate said :: rachel have you ever pondered maybe he doesnt know how to say that he loves you? maybe he's scared....just as scared as you. only, he's scared not to be rejected but rather that he's so young he doesnt want to be tied down. and he said it himself, you said "when you leave it always fucks me up" and he said "me too"...what if he's just tired of feeling like that so he's decided cutting himself off from you will help him forget you. Maybe he dates all these girls just for the fun of it and he's stopped talking to you because he honestly loves you and that scares him. he doesnt want to get caught up in those emotions quite yet...

what do you think girlies? cause i have no idea anymore...

x well today is just another day in this game we play...

2008-04-22T21:30:00Z

well today sucks.
i miss ty. horribly.
i miss erik. terribly.
and i jsut got ditched for drugs.
awesomeee.
fuckk life.
arghh. i need a drink.

drinkinmelonely @ 2008-04-19T01:13:00

2008-04-19T05:16:19Z

why do i always just want him when im drunk? i dont understand, like hes nothing special. really he isnt at all...bit all i want is for him to want me back,,,i hate it. but what would i be without it? i dont even no hw to exsits without missing him anymore. is tat patetich or what?
FUCK, why cant i just stop missing him?!

x why can't i just let go?

2008-04-18T04:28:17Z

i seriously think i enjoy tourturing myself.
as if i just sat here for an hour re-reading all the convos
and the texts and dwelling over the what ifs.
as if im sitting here crying over a boy who clearly doesnt care,
and who really isnt worth it.
as if i actually let someone get that close..

x she said i think ill go to boston, where no one knows my name...

2008-04-16T20:52:11Z

why is it that whenever i actually let myself be vunerable to someone and let them in and trust them and believe them when they say they arn't gonna leave me, why do they choose that moment to walk away? its like as soon as i decided to believe them they decided to give up and walk away. and its not just boys. its everyone i've ever let into my life. and people always tell me that not everyone has left and that there are still people here for me but really in the past year i have lost ty, erik, brittany, jeremy, dustin, doig, erin, blaire, maaike, kyle, ryan and now jenn. okay so maybe maaike and blaire and dustin and doig are still kinda around but not really. they are there to party with, to have a good time..but you cant count on them and me and dustin have never been the same as we used to be. and then there's dana and magan. the people i have known forever. and sure both of them are still around but i cant talk to dana about anything because she has so much of her own shit going on and shes always messed up on some kind of drug...and magan i dont know. i feel like she judges me on some of the mistakes i've made. i dont know. the only person who i feel like i havent lost in some way is cate...and how do you lose someone who you've never met?

i just cant wait to get out of here. i cant wait to go start over where no one knows my name, where i can be anyone i want to be, seeing as i dont even know who im supposed to be here. everyone seems to think im something im not. im a slut, or a drunk, or a fuck up. and okay so maybe i am those things, but i am also soooo much more then that. i am a lover, and a good friend, and i would do anything for the people i care about. i am a talented equestrian and i have some huge connections in the horse world who think the world of me. i'm hard working and i do bust my ass for things i care about, i'm sorry that school just isnt my thing but i always pull decent marks off, which i guess makes me smart because if i never do any off the work and never go to my classes and still pull off mid seventies then i must have a pretty decent brain in my head right? but no one here can see the good things, they see the bad. they see the mistakes. and im tired of being remembered for everything i do wrong.

i mean ive accepted that people change and they grow apart and life just goes on but its hard sometimes you know? its hard to walk away from the friends who used to mean everything to me, from the boys who always had my back, from the first guy i ever fell hard and fast for, its hard to walk away from the people who have shaped my past, and who i always thought would be a big part of my future...

i guess its time to move on. to start over. i think i'll be okay. i just need to leave this place, run far far away from the memories and the streets we used to drive down. i need to leave behind the pain and the hell and all the bullshit. i need to start over, i need to find myself...and i think i know how i need to do it...

x drive all night with me...

2008-04-09T19:49:04Z

life plan :

move to whistler. be out there for the olympic games. meet a hot young european snowboarder. he will win gold. make him fall madly in love with me. have him take me back to europe after the games and put me up in a nice big chalet in the alps, where i can spend my days drinking expesive wine, shopping and riding really nice horses.

=)

and if that fails. make erik get signed to the major leauges. then marry erik. tell him we can both cheat on each other and ill keep the house clean, but he has to cook.

perfect. <3 haha

edit. i also need to convice erik to move to whistler with me. what fun would that be without a kickass roommate and someone to keep me sane?

x she cant wait to get outta here

2008-04-08T00:13:58Z

i hate people. seriously. grow the fuck up. as if dustin is trying to guilt trip me into buying him a new ipod. that was so not my fault dickwad. and you and i both know if the situation was reversed you wouldnt be buying me one. and i wouldnt even be asking. because i can accept the fact that shit happens! and blaire is even on my side. so fuck youuu. fuck you. fuck youuu. i hate this fucked up townn. ughhh.

x stupid girl...

2008-04-06T03:34:12Z

i really wish i didn't care..
and i really wish he wasn't the only thing on my mind..
and i really wish they had both just stayed..
and i really wish my heart didn't hurt this much.
most of all, i really wish he would text me back..

but i really dont think that is gonna happen.
</3

x i wish we had of had more time...

2008-04-01T01:50:39Z

well kyles gone. he moved into the apartment with ryan today. im glad they made it out there alright and that they got settled and everything but i miss themm =( life wont be the same without random days smoking buckets, sketchy drives to get weed, ryan trying to pick me up, drunken drives to champs, mario world, country music, kraft dinner and hot dogs and having my brother here. this sucks. i miss him soooo muchh. and i even miss ryan..your big brothers best friend tends to become something like a second brother. and same goes for matty...hopefully i run into him sometime soon. this sucks...

why do all the guys in my life feel the need to leave? its stupid. ughh. i'm going back to bed.

x when it comes down to it, no one gets me like you do...

2008-03-28T00:52:01Z

so when my life falls apart the only person i want to talk to is ty. but he never answers texts and i dont know if thats cause he doesnt care or because his phone really does suck so i want to send him a message on facebook...and this is what i think im going to say..

hi. so i have no idea if you even come on here much anymore, or if you even check your messages but i really want to talk to you. i feel like my life is falling apart. which is stupid cause i don't know..its not really that bad. and parts of it are amazing right now. like riding, i'm almost positive i'm going too flordia for three months next winter to show and ride. its a huge oportunity. and i have someone who is paying me $25/hr to train their horse, i mean how cool is that? but kyles leaving on saturday to go to alberta and i have no idea when i'll see him next, i figure probally like next christmas and me and him have gotten so close lately and it sucks. and like i'm pretty much failing all of my classes this semester, and i dont even care. but my parents do. they want me to go to university and do all this stuff and they have these big expectations of me that im not going to live up too. dad wants me to be a vet so badly. IF i go to uni i'm going to go for hospitality and tourism i think...i dont know. they think i should have this all figured out but i dont. i have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life. and then theres the typical high school drama and just everyone being stupid, like normal. and jenns being a nappy bitch. haha. and i have no idea what i should do about the fact that i know that britt has cheated on jeremy with graeme. she knows i know and i dont know. i think jer should know, cause he's too good of a person. he deserves better then that. but like...that makes me no better then her right? i pissed her off so she spilled all my dirty little secrets. and it fucked me over huge. and i dont want jeremy to think its about me getting revenge cause its not. really. and then one of my best friends since like i was three told me a couple weeks ago that she got kicked outta her house cause her mom caught her doing coke. and i like i know she's been doing it for a while but shes actually a coke whore. like i'm pretty sure she is whoring herself out for coke. how do i deal with that? i don't know what to do. i hate this stupid stupid town. i just need someone too tell me things will be okay. you know? this all probally seems really stupid and writting it out i kinda feel stupid but i really don't know what to do about half of that shit anymore, and i mean really i cant do anything about like kyle moving and stupid highschool drama (except not get caught up in which i try not to but you knoww) but i dont even know what i'm trying to say. i miss you. and having you and eirk around to chill out with and not have to worry about all the bullshit. i'll probally be up in your area a bunch this summer. oro line 10 has three different show grounds on it. and they all have like 2 shows each so maybe i can see sometime when i'm in the area. so if you read that novel im sorry i sounds like an emo bitch please forgive me haha but it kinda feels better to write all the shit down. i hope life is good with you. and i hope work isnt working you to hard haha. soo um call me sometime or write me back or something. it'd be nice to know your still alive out there haha. miss youu.

- rachel.

i am undesided. good idea or bad idea? ahhh. fuck why do i need him this badly?

x people always leave...

2008-03-25T21:26:55Z

my life has litterally come apart at the seams since wednesday. i know i havent been commenting and such but i have been keeping up with reading and doing the best i can. my brother decided to move out west. he's going 5,000km away. i dont have a clue when i'll next see him. and its not even like he gave us time to adjust to the idea or time to accept it. he leaves on saturday. it's going to be so weird with him not being here. fuck. why do all the people in my life who really matter, the people i depend on, the people who i know would have my back through anything...why do they always leave?

x and i dont wanna fall to pieces...

2008-03-20T02:29:52Z

i hate that the only person i want to talk to right now is him.
i hate that im sitting here thinking about picking up my phone.
i hate that as soon as i found out my brother was moving out west all i wanted was to call him
and have him tell me that that my entire wolrld isnt falling apart.
i hate that i still want him,
but you know what i hate most of all?
knowing that i would give him another chance.
knowing that i would forgive him in asecond.
because i cant stnad not having him in my life.
ughhh. fuck this.
and serioulsy fuck today.
im going to bed.
i hope your all hvaing a better week then i am.
love love lovee <3

x i lost myself when i found you...

2008-03-18T00:46:36Z

So I’m home from bystorm. Fuck I love that place. I love just prentending the rest of the world doesn’t exist, its so easy to do when I’m there…like I don’t get cell service, we don’t have internet, no t.v. the best we can do to keep up with the world is the radio. Well I mean we have dial up internet in the apartment now but its not like we ever use it, because really when you’re there why would you want to sit on msn and deal with all the drama of home? I had such a good weekend. I learned soooo much. Just like talking to gary and well gary and shawn no like everyone in the eventing world so I get to meet a lot of really cool people. Like this weekend we went to pip and jay’s. and jay is one of the best cross country course designers in the world. He just got home from bejing where he is helping design and build the olympic cross country course. I’ve seen pictures of the course already. Its amazing. And then him and gary talked about how to ride different courses and stuff and I just learned sooo much and I’m so inspired to go ride now haha. I didn’t even drink this weekend, but you know what. I had more fun not drinking this weekend and hanging out with the bystorm crew then I normally do in peterborough when I am drinking. And I think that’s kinda sad. I was soo happy. Until I left to come home.

The song fall to piece by avril lavinge came on my radio and I was listening to it as I drove. And I just started thinking about ty. Go figure right? I did really good for like a week. No joke. I barley thought about him, not even in my three hour drive up to bystorm. But coming home that’s all I thought about. And then every song that came on my radio was some how about him. I guess I just can’t believe he actually just let me walk out of his life, without even trying to stop me. I thought I was worth more then that to him…

But last Tuesday I log onto facebook and what do I see but under recent friends status updates (or whatever the fuck it actually is called haha) it says “Tyler hating life.” And I got worried about him (I said I almost didn’t think about him all week…) and I wanted to text him or message him or something and make sure he was okay. But I didn’t. cause well, really I would have just sent him a text before and then he wouldn’t have texted me back so the smart girl in me told the stupid girl that it wasn’t worth my time anyways. So I let it go and kept busy and was fine. But ever since that stupid song came on (which I listened to on the way up there as well) I cant get him outta my mind. I’ve been reading our wall-to-wall, and looking at old pictures, and reading old saved conversations. I think I enojy torturing myself. Like I know this isnt healthy and I don’t even remember the last time I re-read all the old memories and made myself relive all of it. Besides the odd glance at the texts I used to have saved because they made me smile when I felt myself falling apart. But I havent read the wall-to-wall or the old msn convos in…so long. And then I was looking at his wall and there was his girlfriend leaving comments…and from the looks of them they were in a biggggg fight. And he’s working in sudbury (like 6 hours from me…like 4 from orillia) for the rest of the month…so then the stupid girl in me gets this hope that maybe just maybe they will break up and then he will show up on my door step at the beginning of april…ughhh. Can someone work on the whole time machine thing? So I can go back in time and either tell him I love him and he should stay or just not meet him at all?? Or even if you could invent memory erasing technology or get into the fbi and steal that kinda technology for me that would be sweet. I just need to know if he would have stayed, and why he likes to come into my life and then leave again. But apparently he doesn’t think he needs to respond to me at all. Why do I like torturing myself? Why do I keep hanging on to something that isnt going to happen? Why did he just let me walk away?

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.

x i've got my heart set on anywhere but here...

2008-03-13T17:58:34Z

all that is seperating me from my favorite person and happiness for three whole days is 24 hours, a shift at work and a couple of rides. i cant wait. by 6pm tomorrow i will be at bystorm, with jade and shawn and little sean. and life wont be able to get any better. no cell reception, no internet, and no drama. just my best friends, my summer family, some alcohol and good times. it will be nice to laugh about everything thats happend, it will be nice to get him off my mind. it will be nice to get away from my mom and dad who keep harrassing me about money and the future. it will be amazing to just get outta this town for a few days. i already dont want to come home haha. i think i'm getting better at this letting go thing...that or the whole keeping busy thing is just keeping him off my mind haha. thats probally it. i've never been good at letting go. of anything. in other news, my brother is moving out west. which kinda sucks. we've gotten close lately and im gonna miss him. but i guess that means i can go visit him right?

28 hours and i will be in my happy place. so heres to that. cheers.
hope you all have a good weekend.
i'll catch up when i get homee.
<3